The Life and Times of Jasper Hale
by MamaHotpants
Summary: started out as a social studies assignment if you can beleive it. this is just an example of how wild my imagination is haha. anyway,we all knew it would happen but...*dun dun duuuun* jasper decides to go emo. will he unknowingly create an apocolypse?
1. Guyliner Pencils and Mr William Beckett

**Author's note: ****i just wanted to say that i don't own any of the characters in this story or any of the chapters that follow :D**

**This actually started out as a social studies assignment where we had to use some words we had unscrambled in a story...i just had way too much fun with it xD**

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Once upon a time, there was a vampire named Jasper Hale. He was changed in 1863 by a vampire named Maria when he was 20 years old, a while before the cotton gin was invented. Because he was so ravenous for blood, human blood that is, he became depressed. But then –out of nowhere- The Punk Prince of Power Pop, Pete Wentz appeared, along with his fall out boys. "Don't worry!" he said "I'll take you under my wing, and teach you to be EMO!"

*Five bottles of jet-black hair dye, two guyliner pencils, and a pair of fingerless gloves later…*

"OH…MY…SANTI!" Jasper said in horror "I look like a GIRL!" "NO! It's perfect" said an unrecognized voice from behind… "WTF?" said Jasper. "uhm I'm not not a fan girl if that's what you think…no homo" said the one and only absolutely GORGEOUS William Beckett, in his 'A Little Less Sixteen Candles' music video attire. "The chicks will dig it" said Pete with a smile "Trust me, it works." *wink*

"Are you sure? "said Jasper, a little uneasy. "Oh we're sure all right" said William looking in the distance behind Jasper. "Here comes a girl now." Jasper turned to see a raven haired beauty looking him up and down. "Maria?!?!?!" Jasper said in shock… "What?" she asked "I'm just checking out the goods" she said fluttering her eyelashes, the edges of her mouth curling into a smile. "Well pretty lady" Jasper said, gyrating his hips in an Elvis like manner. "Would you like to go on a date this Saturday night?" "Su-"she said, her voice being cut off by an ear drum shattering high-pitched scream…

"Get yo greasy vampire hands off my man" Alice screeched in a ghetto salt n' peppa I'll take yo man kind of way. "I'm so gangsta-licious…" Alice said, beginning the gangsta-licious song by Chelsey Davona Adams no copyright infringement intended or she will go all GODMUTHA on you and give you an offer you can't refuse "I'm so dang capricious..Can't nobody else be…They can't do it like me…na-nana-na-nana BUH-BUHBUH-BUH-BUHBUH BOOM!" she then did the booty hop towards jasper who was so impressed he started dancing with her.

"OKAY! This story needs be P-G PEOPLE!!!" screamed Pete from the background. Jasper and Alice instantly stopped and tried to compose themselves. "That's better" said Pete. "Now back to what William and I were saying before you got mobbed by two vampire girls…The chicks WILL dig it…I'm pretty sure we've proved that by now, but they will." "Wow…"said Jasper "who knew being emo would be so fun?" "Well they DO say 'Come to the dark side we have fresh cookies' in the How to Be Emo YouTube video." said William.

Suddenly, a sharp 'OINK!' came from the distance. "oh my god…is that a…a-" 'SPIT IT OUT MAN!" Jasper yelled at Pete. "a FLYING PIG?!?!" Yes, that's right, I wrote it, a FLYING PIG wings, snout, and all. There it was, the Great Flying Pig Migration of 1863 being played out right in front of them. "Don't worry!" exclaimed Pete. "I and my Fall Out Boys can take them out with our rockin' new single 'I Don't Care'!" Pete then proceeded to whip out his bass while Patrick let the music flow through him and finally explode out of him in the form of a heaven-sent voice.

The next ten minutes was filled with amazing, 'we're just a bull you ears are a china shop', pounding music and, of course lots of head banging and moshing. After the mini-concert was finished and the flying pigs ran, I mean flew away, their tails between their legs Maria looked at Jasper with the ever so manipulating 'puppy dog pout' and asked "so Jazz, I guess it's over between us? I was hoping I could experiment with vampire boyfriends instead of humans.""Sorry…Maria" Alice spat out her name "I'm afraid Jasper is taken. Isn't that right, hun?" Jasper got a little nervous, and for some odd reason all of a sudden everyone else was too. 'I wonder if this is my special gift' he thought. He decided to experiment and send a wave of calm over the whole group. Everybody instantly let out a sigh of relief "Cool" he whispered.

"Well Jazzy baby?" Alice asked, calmly waiting for his answer. The minute he looked into her amber eyes he melted like putty in her hands. He looked at Maria, feeling a twinge of guilt. "I'm sorry but I really am taken" he said. "Oh…uhm…okay" Maria whispered sheepishly. She looked over towards Pete "So how do you feel about dating the immortal?" she asked in her flirtiest voice possible. "I..uhm..erm" he got so nervous in her presence he started babbling like a three month old that just discovered it could make noise. "I'll take that as a yes" Maria said and winked.

Jasper then decided to play with his power to change the emotions of the people around him and send a wave of 'OHMYGAWDILOVE THISWOMANINEEDTOKISSHER" through Pete and then a wave of "HOLYCRAPIHATETHISGUYHENEEDSTOGETAWAYOHNORAPERAPERAPE" through Maria. Pete instantly ran over to grab Maria and kiss her but Maria instantly put him in a chokehold and hissed "Don't ever touch me again you slime ball slug dude"

Suddenly there was a booming laugh from this distance along with a "sssshhh!" Ah yes, it was Emmet and Rosalie and of course the rest of the Cullens. Emmett lumbered out from the nearby bushes and Rosalie walked out so gracefully any nearby ballerina would burst into tears. "What the heck are you doing here?" said Jasper sending a wave of "HOLYCRAPISHOULDBESCARED" at Emmet. "Well we were gonna leave but then it got good when Alice started rapping" Emmett said with a huge laugh…


	2. Prada!

Jasper started laughing too while the rest of the Cullens made their way over, including Bella, who has been a vampire for a couple of years now along with her and Edward's half-breed child Renesmee. Renesmee was absolutely beautiful with her father's hair color and facial features, while also having Bella's deep chocolate brown eyes. Renesmee and Alice smiled at each other and commenced to planning a new shopping escapade as Jasper looked at her with a confused look and said "What else is there to buy love?"

"EVERYTHING!" yelled Alice getting a wild I-am-woman-hear-me-roar look in her now darkening amber eyes. Jasper gave a worried glance in Edward's direction thinking "Should I tell her?" Edward contemplated for a minute and finally nodded yes. "Uhm, Alice my dear?" He said worriedly, thus making the whole family anxious. "Yes Jazz?" she asked holding an already three foot long shopping list in her hands.

"All of the shops have been closed down"…

A deep growl welled up in her throat and escaped in a giant "ROAR!" so menacing even the bravest of lions would have pissed themselves. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!!?" she screamed already in a feral, cat-like pose, ready to attack. "D-don't be angry dear" he stuttered "but there was a severe power outage and all the shops had to close do-" Alice cut him off with a high-pitched screech, barreling towards civilization faster than Michael Jackson when he realizes all the little boys are rounded up in the town square. "I WILL have my new Prada bag!!" she yelled as she ran away.

"OH CRAP!" screamed Jasper "we have to catch her before the town goes up in flames!" "Don't worry" said Emmet calmly, despite Jasper's sending panic through everyone. "I'll get her…" He got in a cross country runner's stance and proceeded to dash off, speeding faster than a bullet.

**EMMET'S POV**

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!" Alice screamed. HAHA she looked like she was gonna crap a gold brick! Man she was mad, but I had laugh at that wild look in her eyes. "D-don't be angry dear" Jasper said, looking like a COMPLETE homo in those skinny jeans and all that eyeliner (what a wuss) "but there was a severe power outage and all the shops had to close do-. " I couldn't hear the rest because Alice was screaming bloody-fricken MURDER! Seriously, if vampires could lose their hearing, mine would be shot by now. But the look on her face was HILARIOUS! Almost as funny as the look on Edward's face when I made that first joke about his sex life. I think I still have that picture too…

Anyways, so Jasper freaked out and started screaming shiz like "oh no she's gonna burn the town down! Ahh! Someone help me these skinny jeans are cutting off my lower half!" –Haha okay, so he didn't say the last part, but it looked like he was about to.- He was all worried and I knew if anyone was to succeed in capturing Alice, it would be me. So I dashed off behind her.

It was easy finding her, because I'm a vampire so I can tell her scent from human scent. When I finally got to the Prada store she was fiddling with the lock, no doubt trying to leave the future crime scene untraceable. "ALICE!' I yelled "GET UR SCRAWNY LITTLE ASS OVER HERE NOW!"

She looked at me with the blackest of eyes. "No-noonononono! I HAVE to have my Prada Bag! Prada Prada Prada!" she said. HOLY CRAP DID SHE JUST START TWITCHING?!?! I grabbed for her but she finally got the lock undone and dashed over to the top of the highest shelf she could find, along with that damned Prada Bag. "NOOOOOO!!!" she screeched "YOU'LL NEVER GET ME!!! I'M ALICE CULLEN SHOPPING MASTER OF THE WORLD!!" Man she's gone batty! "Okay Alice, but why don't you have a cape or a crown?" I asked. That threw her off just long enough for me to grab her and run back towards the rest of the family.

So I dragged her, kicking and screaming, back to the family. "Alice…I think you are going to need a psychiatrist." I said while trying to calm her down. "No I'm fine!" she said rocking back and forth in the fetal position. "I just NEED that Prada Bag! I NEED it Emmet!" "Yea just as much as you need a new hole in your empty head for more air to rush through" I said under my breath. She was so delirious she didn't hear me. After she calmed down and returned to uh…semi-normal I picked her back up and we began running again.

**NORMAL POV**

Jasper had finally calmed down after about ten minutes of pacing back and forth going "I knew I shouldn't have told her. I just knew it." and the family had decided to just talk for a while. Since Renesmee's boyfriend, Jacob Black tagged along, he was busy making blonde jokes to Rosalie. "Hey Rose, how do blonde brain cells die?" She looked at him and rolled her eyes "How Jacob?" she said sarcastically. "Alone." He said, a smirk on his face while Renesmee giggled softly. "Smelly mutt", Rosalie said under her breath.

Just then, there was wailing and the words "Prada Purse!" coming from the distance. "They're coming" said Edward. About 30 seconds later Emmet appeared with a dazed and delirious Alice, flailing about and twitching every minute or so. "Oh Alice!" cried Esme "Are you okay?" "I n-need that P-Prada Bag." She said staring blankly into the distance. "Get her designer smelling salts quick!" Esme said anxiously. Jasper ran and got them. "Ahhh. Estee Lauder. Much better." Alice said feeling calm now. "Sorry for that. I just panicked." Jasper embraced her in a tight hug. "I'm just glad you're okay." He said.

"Okay enough of this mushy shi-" sad Emmet just before Rosalie slapped him in the back of the head. "Sheesh I was just saying…" "Not around Renesmee!" Rosalie said sharply. "Oh PLEASE." said Renesmee. "I'm at the physical AND mental age of 15. I don't need to be treated like such a baby. I'm practically a woman now." "Yea she is." said William looking at her *ahem* assets.

**JACOB'S POV**

"I'm practically a woman now." said that beautiful girl. Yep. MY woman. I still can't believe she chose me without knowing I had already chosen her. "Yea she is" said some skinny guy in the background. HOLY CRAP IS HE TRYING TO MOVE IN ON MY WOMAN?!?! OH HELL NO! Without even realizing it I was already trembling, about to shape shift at any second. I tried to stop myself, but I am the one that Renesmee is supposed to be with. I've loved her ever since I first laid eyes on her! I could already feel myself shifting into a wolf. There was no stopping it now. I immediately went in for the kill. But I was stopped by Edward and Emmet before I could do anything. "Why can't you just let me kill the bastard?" I thought to Edward. "Because" Edward said "Nessie is not even interested in him and you know that" "Look, William" said Renesmee "I'm sorry but I'm already taken. I'm sure that plenty of other girls are attracted to you" After I heard her say that, I instantly calmed down and went to find my clothes so I could phase back.


	3. Are you Jamaican?

**CHAPTER THREE **

**JACOB'S POV**

After I finally found my clothes and put the shredded remains on (don't worry I was decent) I looked up to see the most annoying pest in the world….

It was MIKE NEWTON….

Was he really THAT desperate? He knows Bella and Edward are married and have a freaking KID. Yet he still chases her.

lizzy-the-ripper: Wait a minute. Hold up! Last time I checked, Mike wasn't the only one stalking Bella.

Jake: No I-

lizzy-the-ripper: Oh wait, never mind. You just followed Bella around like a lost puppy *pun intended* until you could creepily imprint on her evil demon-spawn minutes after it ripped out of her already tender human flesh. Carry on, carry on.

Jake:….Anyway….

I smirked. What a loser. I can't wait to see Edward kick his ass all the way to Forks and back. As I was imagining Mike flying through the air, screaming like a terrified school girl, I noticed something in his hands…is that a…a…a KAREOKE MACHINE? Wow I never really thought he'd sink so low as to sing cheesy 80's love songs to Bella. Oh well…I think I'm going to let this one be a surprise.

**NORMAL POV**

Jacob walked out of the woods, dressed and in human form, smirking. Jacob had already known that Edward was reading his thoughts as to why he had a smile as big as a Cheshire cat's. "Don't tell Bella but after I got dressed I saw…well I saw MIKE NEWTON!" Edward laughed a little and nodded as if to say "Okay I won't tell." Jasper sensed Edward and Jacob's humor and quietly sauntered over. Within two seconds he was beside Edward asking "What's so funny?" Edward told him in a hushed tone just exactly who Jacob had spotted in the woods when he was changing. "Okay, but if Bella murders him, I'm not hiding the body" He said and chuckled.

**MIKE'S POV**

Ohmygosh…I was so nervous! "I knew I should have put more eyeliner on" I thought to myself…Lord knows I don't want to look shabby for my soul mate. I don't care if she's married to Edward. She just doesn't know that I'm so much cooler than him and I could EASILY kick his ass. After all, I AM pretty strong. I caught myself in a mirror and couldn't help but stop and gaze at my perfectly chiseled features: that gorgeous hair, those amazing eyes, oh I could go on forever. Just because people say I'm full of myself doesn't mean I don't have reason to be…ah but enough of my epicness. I must get to Bella, so she can finally see what it's like to not have to deal with that icky Edward Cullen again.

I turned on my Karaoke machine and began practicing, belting out my beautiful heaven-sent voice. Yes, this will have Bella down on her knees, begging me to free her from Edward. After I finished singing, I practiced my signature "sexy eyes" (gets the girls every time) and sauntered out of the woods.

**NORMAL POV**

After the family had finally calmed down, they decided to sit and talk for a while. Esme and Carlisle had snuck off to dinner earlier but were now looking into each other's eyes lovingly, Carlisle whispering in Esme's ear. Every now and then a soft giggle would be heard from Esme. Alice had finally returned to her "normal" self and both her and Jasper were sitting close, resting their heads on one another. Pete and William were playing guitar, while a soft "hold your head high, heavy heart" could be heard from William.

Everything seemed as if it were perfect, until Pete saw a guy walking out of the woods doing some weird eye twitching thing. "Hey who's that?" He asked. Bella looked up to see who it was and to her horror it was Mike Newton…

**BELLA'S POV**

Today had been a weird day, but it seemed very peaceful now, with Edward singing sweet, soft melodies into my ear and I singing along with him, my still slightly unusual tinkling voice (just a part of being a vamp) just above a whisper.

Then, despite Edward singing softly to me, I heard Pete stop stroking his guitar strings in the distance. "Hey who's that?" I heard him say. At first I didn't really care who it was, but I heard a twinge of worry in his voice, as if this person could possibly be a threat. I lifted my gaze from the wedding ring on Edward's finger to the direction Pete was looking…

Oh no. Oh please no. Not now. Not when everything was just becoming semi-normal. Not that pest MIKE NEWTON! I felt a hiss escape my lips as he approached me. Does he have EYELINER on?!? GROSS. Just as he was about to approach me he went to do a hair flip and suddenly stopped. What the hell is he looking at now?

**MIKE'S POV**

From the look on Bella's face my "sexy eyes" must be working. Now to seal the deal with a hair flip . Mid-hair flip I saw the most beautiful person in the world…

The person I saw was the ever so FOINE Punk Prince of Power Pop PETE WENTZ!!!

This was the chance of a lifetime!! Any thirteen year old girl would have basically raped him (I would have done the same). I had to find a way to impress him. OH! I KNOW!!

I'll sing! It's fool-proof! Nobody can resist my heaven-sent voice! Not even Pete!

I sauntered over to Him, with his sexy brown eyes and jet black hair. "Hey sweet thang." I said coating my voice with flirt-ness "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Are you Jamaican? Cuz you Jamaican me crazy!" Pete opened his mouth to protest but I shushed him with one finger pressed against his velvety-soft lips.

"Don't speak!" I said in my most sultry voice "Your eyes say it all!!!"

**PETE'S POV**

I was playing my guitar while William sang, relaxing for the first time since I turned that Jasper guy emo. You know, after all that had happened, things had been pretty intense. But everything was fine now. I looked up to take in the beautiful landscape around me when I saw something curious in the distance. I squinted my eyes to see some guy walking towards all of us, swinging his hips like a two month old that can't walk properly. He looked like he had eyeliner on. Ew, it wasn't exactly working for him, in the fact that it basically made him look like somebody punched him in both eyes.

I looked over towards everyone else and asked, "Hey who's that?" Bella was the one to look up. When she saw him, she looked like she was about to rip him to shreds and serve the remnants of his body to the vultures for their very own smorgasbord. For a minute I thought I saw her lips curl into a ferocious snarl, but I'm not sure because a second later she was composed with a somewhat plastic looking smile on her face.

The thing is, that scared me more than the snarl.

The guy who looked like he swung for the other team/had sugar in the tank/drove on the left side of the road/set my gaydar off on flaming homosexual was walking towards Bella and doing what looked like a hairflip but I thought was turrets. Not a good idea, buddy. She's going to fucking MAME you.

As he was doing the poor attempt at a hairflip, he stopped and looked at me. Crap, now he's changed his course to me! Sorry, dude, but I don't swing that way. "Hey sweet thang" he said eyeing me creepily. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Are you Jamaican? Cuz you Jamaican me crazy!"

Oh my god. Seriously? Did that word vomit just escape his mouth? Those are the WORST pickup lines I have EVER heard! I opened my mouth to tell him off but he shoved his finger in my face and said in some low crackly voice that sounded like someone was shoving a fork straight into the ear he was whispering in "Don't speak! Your eyes say it all!"

"I wish they'd shut up!" I said from behind his finger that was still shoved all up in my grill, yo. Before I could do anything else he whipped out what looked like a portable karaoke machine…

Oh God. Please don't tell me he's going to sing!! From the sound of that crackly voice he just talked in, I didn't want to find out how ghastly his SINGING would be. Plus, everyone knows only Patrick can serenade me. Ahh, that heaven sent voice. He had the voice of a thousand angels and the vibrato of a shivering orgasm. I sighed. Oh crap I shouldn't be thinking this stuff. I don't swing that way! Pete, you're not gay. You're not gay. You can't help it if Patrick is a sexy piece of man-candy that you want to snog like a rabid woodland creature. Ahhh STOP IT!!! Okay think, dead puppies. Yea that helps. Dead puppies. Dead puppies. There, much better.

Anyway, I didn't even know the creep. Why was he trying to win ME over? Oh yea that's right. I'm the Punk Prince of Power Pop Pete Wentz and I'm irresistible. And I mean, yea, it's cool when I'm trying to pick up chicks, but not weirdo's like THIS.

So he took the poor excuse of savage machinery called a karaoke machine out and started playing….oh god no….not….not….MY GIRL! He can't be shaming The Temptations like that! OH GOD NO!

"I've got sunshiiiiine! On a cloudy day! When it's cold outsiiiiiide. I'm in the month of Maaaay! I….GUESS…..YOU…..SAY…..WHAT-CAN-MAKE-ME-FEEL-THIS-WAY!! PETE WENTZ! *in higher tone background vocals* pete wentz! pete wentz! *back to lead vocals* Talkin' 'bout Peeeeete Weeeentz! PETEWENTZ!" he kept singing so badly, I felt like running away screaming my head off, but the thing is, he was trying to DANCE with me!! He basically had me in a vice grip and was swinging me around like a ragdoll. OH THE HORROR!!! I'M TOO SEXY TO DIE!!!


End file.
